Smother
by foolondahill17
Summary: Hawkeye Pierce is an expert at repressing memories, because he's done it so many times before – a disjointed one-shot. Written to accompany what transpired in Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen.


Title: Smother

Summary: Hawkeye Pierce is an expert of repressing memories, because he's done it so many times before – a disjointed, very short one-shot. Written to accompany what transpired in Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen.

Rated: K+, just because it's sort of sad

Disclaimer: I do not own M*A*S*H

Author's Note: I know, I know, I know I should be focusing on the hordes of incomplete, unupdated Harry Potter fics on my profile but I couldn't resist…because I am ridiculously obsessed with watching reruns of this show right now. Forgive me – but please enjoy, and leave a review if you'd like, many thanks!

Brief update here: As Snooky-9093 adeptly pointed out, Hawkeye would not have been doing a report on World War II in high school, as World War II had yet to happen. So, in the consideration of historical accuracy, I have changed it from World War II to World War I. Thanks!

* * *

The first time he cut into a person he kept thinking _first, never do harm_ and how he had to keep reminding himself that he _wasn't_

How his mom told him to be good, the last time he saw her

How it got easier – no matter how hard he tried, it got easier every time he saw another kid die

The tears in his dad's eyes that were probably there but Hawkeye never got to see because he left without a good-bye

That look that flickered across Radar's face when Henry climbed into the helicopter

He didn't want to admit that that brilliant bit of surgery – how he'd just happened to have the foresight to cut _there_ – had really been a mistake

Because Hawkeye _knew_, somehow he _knew_ Trapper was leaving. Still he blames_ him_ for not saying a word

No, of course, he didn't have a nightmare last night. Anyway, he couldn't remember it

Because for one glorious, glimmering second he was convinced that he loved her

The look on the private's face when _he knew_, two seconds before he died

The little girl whose village had been hit and Hawkeye told her she was going to be alright. He _told her_ she was going to be alright and she died knowing he was a liar

And how it really wasn't his mother's death that convinced him he wanted to be a doctor

How, when he first got there, he believe he'd be back home in a month

And for one terrible, disgusting second he actually thought it was funny

How he wasn't convinced he did everything he could to save him

When he was in high school he did a report on World War I and came to the conclusion that war had been worth it

When Private Johnson told Hawkeye about the look in the Korean's eyes right before Private Johnson pulled the trigger, Hawkeye was disgusted because _why did he end up pulling the trigger, then?_

He fainted once when he was eight, because a girl had fallen off the monkey bars and broken her arm

It had taken him less than a day after his mother died before he smiled again – and that made him look pretty shallow

And he'd made a joke at dinner that night

He hated the enlisted men because that made him think that maybe he was a coward

Because he didn't cry the first time someone died under his knife

How he hated B.J. when Hawkeye walked into the tent and saw him sitting there

When he heard Frank sniffling over Margaret one night and for a fraction of a second thought _well they were, after all, all human…_

When he was five he decided he wanted to be a soldier

He was sometimes genuinely happy to be out of his old man's house

Because sometimes he forgot that the guys at the front probably had it worse than him

Sometimes he was afraid he was an alcoholic, but of course he could stop anytime he wanted

Because once he'd killed a rabbit by running it over with his bike

He couldn't bring himself to touch it because it was dead. And dead was disgusting, unclean, and filthy. And he'd _done_ that.

He didn't like guns because holding that much power in your hand was terrifying

Not a day passed when he wasn't grateful to be three miles away from the front. Any miles away from the front

Because he thought maybe by being a doctor he could resolve himself of all his past sins, maybe he could make them better. And that was pretty selfish, if he thought about it

But of course he didn't think about it.


End file.
